I agree with the others that you could benefit from therapy. You seem to realize that you know something isn't right, and admit to a lot. That's a hard thing to do... and very brave.

I really hope you find the help you need. I can't help but think by reading what you wrote that you may not think you're ready, but you are ready for some sort of change in your life. Hopefully with the right tools and talking to someone who can help, you can make these changes for the better.

Good luck to you!