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Crescent Moon · Jan 31, 2013, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Tilly may"

I woke up thinking, how sad of me to believe that my therapist cares. I feel exactly as you describe here. PAINFUL LONGING! I have to stop and tell myself that i am just her client, thats it, her client. it is her job to listen to me and be nice. she is getting paid 60 dollars an hour to listen to my problems and to act like she cares. But i have to get real here, i am her client, not her child.Can you imagine how draining it would be on her if she actually did care about every one of her clients?

Ive decided to move on and not to tell her.

I fought the attachment dance tooth & nail. She kept predicting it, encouraging it. Part of my 'fighting' was that I refused to believe she cared. I made lots of hurtful accusations about that. I told her that I'd also be able to 'care' for someone who paid me $100 an hour to do it. It wasn't until way down the road that she revealed that it really hurt her when I said things like that. I would have long arguments making my case about how there was no way for me to ever believe she really 'cares' because it's paid-for. What could she say?

It took a looong time for there to be enough experiences in our relationship.. but there came a time that I had one of those 'light bulb' moments. I work at a children's hospital and do neurological testing in an inpatient setting. I have my patients and their families for periods from 4 - 7 days on average. I develop relationships with them. I suppose there are some that come and go and don't make a mark on me, but the vast majority of them do. I feel genuine affection for them. I fall asleep thinking about them. They are on my mind as I drive to the hospital to work. They make marks on me, and there are a lot of things I will do when I'm there that I don't *have* to do - I just do it because I've grown fond of them. I could write a long post giving examples of what I'm talking about, but will spare you. My point is that I finally made the connection... and it dawned on me that I pay for my therapist's time... her expertise and skill... but no amount of money can "buy" her care. Or the affection I feel coming from her. Or the look in her eyes that tells me I have a place in her heart... which I find out about when she says "I saw such and such the other day and it made me think about you..."

So I'd encourage you to talk to her. Tell her you're worrying about feeling increasingly attached.. that it's making you miss her between sessions and you don't know what to do with it. If she's worth anything, she will know how to help you with it. The 'pain' factor will diminish considerably, and together you'll figure out something that will work. My therapist will schedule extra sessions. She allows me to text and email, as long as I don't expect an answer. That doesn't mean she won't, but I've promised to be okay with it if she can't or doesn't respond. Lots and lots of things have happened in our relationship that lets me know that I'm not just a scheduled slot on her calendar. She cares about me. She may be a bigger part of my life than I am of hers, but no one can convince me that I'm not part of her life. I've got my own spot in her heart, and I think her heart is big enough to hold her family, her friends, and her clients. And I like my spot, because it's mine.