I'm trying to be ok with a comment a friend made on fb, as she has every right to be upset by my comment... but it's hard. A few days ago I had been having a really rough week, and I was tired of being told to turn to religion. My defenses were down and I was raw. The last straw was when a friend of my wife's commented for the umpteenth time to "Let go & let god" and that everything happens for a reason, and that I should "pray" about my situation... That last sentiment triggered such a deep hurt and rejection, I lost all cool and composure. I ranted long and hard about how a belief in a god does not make everything better... I was rude and disrespectful and cursed a lot... I can understand that people would be hurt, but I didn't care. I was tired and hurt myself... My wife said that she would take it down in the morning (it was on a status she had put up) because she did not want her mom to be mad at me for not only cursing, but putting religion down... I was fine with it. I got out my rant and could care less if if was up any longer than that... She never did take it down. I'm not quite sure why, maybe it was the strong responses in both directions about what I said, maybe she just forgot and then thought it was up for that long, might as well leave it... whatever. It is still there. Anyway, a friend of mine read it and was very insulted and hurt by it. She made a comment to that effect on her page, but without mentioning who the comment was directed to. She was very respectful and did a great job communicating her displeasure with my stance (and insults) on something she holds dear.
I shouldn't be hurt or bothered by this. I shouldn't feel the way I do about it. But then why can't I shake it?
I am triggered by religion and inaction/intolerance/hate spewed in the name of religion because of my experience with one individual, and later with a "spiritual" experience... The first person I ever confided in about the abuse and violence going on at home (and my resulting depression and hopelessness) simply told me to "Just pray about it, and god will help you out"... I had just told her that I feared for my mom's life, I felt suicidal, and was terrified to be home every day of my life, and she told me to pray about it... That was such a let-down. Everywhere they encourage you to tell someone when things like this are going on, and when I did, I was offered no help. It was a guidance counselor at school mind you, a mandated reporter even back then... I felt so abandoned and lost in that moment. My hate for religion grew from there. The ignorance and uncaring she displayed made me feel totally alone. To this day I have trouble asking for help, and believing that anyone with any power to do something will actually do anything to help (well, that and the countless times the police were called to diffuse a situation at home...). I don't trust easily, so when I went to her with that information, my little bit of trust crumbled to dust in the moment of her indifference...
I know most people today have no clue why I feel so strongly against any organized religion. I haven't told many people. I definitely keep my mental health and abuse history off of fb (it is not the place for things like that)... I know this friend has no idea why I said what I did, she is just insulted by it... I should be able to take that at face value and move on, as I know I was rude with it... but it just feeds my rejection and feelings of neglect from so long ago. And now I want to be stubborn and not apologize or remove it because it triggered my rebellious side, and I want to stomp my feet and scream that I am right, but only because I don't want to tell why I really feel that way. I don't want to spill that my 1)abuse 2)was not stopped by someone who was supposed to help, but 3)instead thought I should turn to "god" to better my situation. I don't want to explain myself, I just want to be mad about it, because I have a right to be mad. I know I should have done it more tactfully, but I was hurt... All I ever do is apologize for holding the hurt in until it gets too much and I burst. I play nice and respectful and pleasant, and no one gets it. They keep at it... They insist that I am wrong and stupid and should "give my life to god", but they don't hear my protests when I am nice. They don't respect my pleas to stop hitting me over the head with that. So I snap, and I revert to being 3 and screaming whatever I want, however I need to in order to be heard.
I don't like hurting people. I don't like insulting them or their beliefs. But I can't bring myself to apologize for my rant, or to back-track and say it nicer just to appease everyone. But that too is an internal conflict. The part of me that strives to please everyone all the time and be pc and nice really wants to take down the comment and apologize for insulting everyone. The 3 year old in me wants to sit there, stick my tongue out and say "Good!" (now you can be as hurt as I was)... It makes me want to cut and cry and break things. It makes me want to hide and delete fb all together... It makes me hate myself for being hurtful... but it makes me feel good too. And that scares me. I never want to be someone who hurts others because she is hurt... I don't want to be my dad... I never want to be my dad...