I have felt the way you do, ((((Rose))))). I always see that defense as being irrational, but yet I continue to have self-hatred.

I know that other people can and do hurt you, and that this is probably the only way you know to react to this.

Each time you experience this, try to sit and just feel what you are feeling. Just do it for a few seconds this time, and then increase it. That's my plan. Keep me posted, btw. Sending hugs to you. You ARE worthy and loveable. This I know.