I have a therapist already, who has been in close touch during this period. He is also a psychiatrist and an analyst as well. I've been seeing him for a long time, but he is busy and also hasn't experienced this level of trauma, though he has certainly seen many cases and also knows of many cases in which Ambien produces very strange reactions.

The problem the school has is that I'm training to be a psychologist so are worried about putting me in the field with clients, where I was just running workshops, nothing heavy. I certainly understand their concerns, but I feel judged as being completely out of control when this is one instance that has never happened before and is unlikely to happen again. And they only see the PTSD part without the Ambien, which doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe if someone can explain it, I could try to understand it better. Triggering alone wouldn't have produced what happened. Maybe at some time in the past that might have been possible, but I've been in analysis for 12 years and things have settled down.

Unfortunately, you are right to suspect the way it gets to you. Last night my analyst wasn't sure if he should call a welfare check, and he last words to me almost at midnight, were about whether I could promise to be here today.

It's just so painful to have to go through this awful stuff with complete strangers, judging you and evaluating you, and then the prospect of a whole review board and ongoing process where I have to comply makes me feel not just a great deal of pain, but actually retraumatized.