Trigger? Dunno? Me being negative about being alive...

T

I miss existing to one person. I miss having one person on my side. I've deluded myself into thinking there was a point in me fighting and holding on. I've never had anything I wanted out of life, it's always been about surviving, and I've done that for a long time now. I really wished you cared about me like I care about you. It doesn't have to be bigger or anything more than that, just the same level of regard for one another. I think everything would have been okay if that was the case. I didn't mean to like you so much. I have no words for my thoughts. I knew how much I liked you straight away, without needing to know anything further about you. It was ridiculous that I'd found that person in a therapist, someone I expected to be dragged along to once and then never see again. You were the right person. It's too bad that to you I'm so worthless, meaningless, forgettable, and not worth saving. I've tried to ride out all the things you've thought, done, not thought, not done. They have not been okay and I can't believe you've been able to wound me from the inside. No on is allowed inside. I stuffed up this time. It's stupid to think that I should be helped just because I'm here and alive. I'm sick of surviving without a reason to ride through all the awfulness. I can't make up a reason for my life, there just isn't one.