Thanks!!! I read the book description and some of the reviews, and this book definitely seems like it was written for me. Even the detail of the author never having sexual attraction to women is definitely the same for me. That specifically has always part of the feelings of hopelessness when I try to look into the future at my options.

There have been a few new developments since I initially wrote to this board. I talked to my friend again about my need/desire for affection. He has given me these "chest bumps" since then without me asking for it. I write that almost with humor because that type of affection is completely foreign to me and has caught me off guard several times. I'm OK since that is what he is comfortable with.

In another conversation today, he asked what it would take to make me happy. He said he knew that I was very lonely, but every time he would mention marriage as an option, that I would without hesitation say that that's not going to happen. He asked if having a close friend to share life with would make me happy. I responded that if I had him (or an equivalent person to him) available to me all the time I would be very happy. His response was hmm. A mutual friend walked up, so the conversation ended. I thought later ... "idiot, you don't have to say everything that comes in your head" when I was replaying the conversation. But I'm sure he knew that was how I felt anyway. We instant-messaged some later in the day, but about other things.

A few nights ago, I was hope alone again and quickly getting very depressed. It was weird because I had spent several hours with this same friend earlier in the day. I called him and chatted little, but was too embarrassed to tell him I wanted physical company, not just a phone conversation, even though we had just spent time together. (Actually I even would have been fine if he were in the same room as me but doing something else, as long as he was there.) About a half an hour after the phone conversation, as I was going stir-crazy, my pastor called just to chat. When he asked how I was doing, I started crying uncontrollably because I was just so sad. He asked several different ways what was wrong, but I told him I did not want to talk about it. I could tell though in the tone of his voice that he was concerned and cared. As a result, I think I will tell him about the battles with extreme loneliness. I don't know if I'd ever be ready to discuss what is behind the loneliness.