I'm trying to find a way to open up to my wife and build a support for myself. I plan on getting back into therapy to help deal with some of this stuff. I wrote this letter to give to her, but I'm not sure if I should. It basically talks about what I have went through and the major events in my life that are associated with my depression. Every I try to talk to her about it, I freeze up and can't say anything. It is easier for me to write about it. Should I give her the letter? Is it too much? What do you use as support for your illnesses?

Thanks for any advice you can offer, and sorry for the long post.

The letter is below.

---Triggers Below---

Sarah,

I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t know how to talk about what I’m feeling and my struggle with depression. I hope this letter doesn’t overwhelm you, or make you think less of me.
I first start to feel depressed when I was in my teens. At the time I had no idea what was going on, I just remember feeling sad an alone. I tried to people, but I couldn’t explain what was going on when I had these feelings. I felt a lot of shame for not being happy like everyone else. Things were bearable until I had a pretty traumatic event in my life. When I was sixteen I found out my dad wasn’t my biological father. My mom slept with her sister’s boyfriend and I was the product of that encounter. When I first hear the news I was in shock. I couldn’t emotionally process it. When mom and dad broke up, when I was 8 or so I chose to live with dad. When I was younger, well I guess all my life mom was never around. She would rather be working than at home. When I was little I never got any support or encouragement. I think that contributed to having low self-esteem. Dad’s family never really supported me either. I always felt like a burden to them. They always seemed to treat Raymond better than me, and I was always left out of things. When I found out that they weren’t my family by blood, it completely destroyed my self-esteem. I didn’t know how to cope with this or how to even talk about it. How to you even begin to talk about it. I just buried it and pretended like everything was fine. It ate at me and made my depression so bad it was unbearable. One day I decided I had enough. I thought my life wasn’t worth living. I decided I was going to kill myself. I was 17 at the time. I remember feeling so lifeless and in complete despair for months. I was tired of feeling this way and I just wanted to stop feeling the despair and hopelessness. I swallowed a whole bottle of ibuprofen. I got really sick, but I didn’t die. I never went to the hospital and no one found out. I was just throwing up for a week. I was so ashamed at what I had done I couldn’t talk about it. I went on feeling miserable. Dad passed away a year later and I never got a chance to talk to him. Other than you, he is the only one in my life I ever felt like I was loved. I don’t know why he chose to raise me or but I’m glad he did. He was a positive force in my life, even though I had such a difficult time. After dad died I felt alone. I talked to a school counselor, but that was very little help. The guy just sat there is didn’t give me much advice. His basic thought was life sucks sometimes, dust it off and keep going. That’s kinda ****** advice for someone who has tried to kill themselves. I needed professional help and he wasn’t it. I started hurting myself to deal with all the emotional stuff. Sometimes I did it because I was feeling so depressed, other times I did it because I hated myself and though I should suffer. I feel a lot of shame over this. Sometimes when I look at my scar I fell resentment towards myself. Other times I look at them and say I was going through a lot of pain and it helped me from not trying to kill myself. I went to a couple of therapists that didn’t do much for me. They just kind of sat there and gave me meds. The meds didn’t make me feel better and made it hard to think. Eventually I got to a therapist that actually started to help. I felt comfortable talking to her and she seemed to be helping me. I was still really depressed and it was hard to feel any better, feeling that low. I wanted something more intense and I requested hospitalization. I was feeling suicidal and I remember I bought some sleeping pills I planned on taking. I told the therapist about it and she agreed it may be best if I go to the hospital. It was a disappointing experience. I didn’t find what I was looking for. I did fell safe there though. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself, and I couldn’t self-harm. In a way it felt like a prison and not a hospital. There was a strict schedule, and the only beneficial thing was group therapy, which I didn’t enjoy very much. Just telling someone about my problems doesn’t resolve them. I needed the therapy, talking with the psychologist, trying to figure out how to improve myself and control what I was feeling. I requested to be released from the hospital and I spent about a total of a week there. After I was released I had a couple more sessions with Amy, but my insurance changed and it was no longer covered by that provider. I tried another therapists and she sucked, so I gave up.
A while after therapy I meet this girl. A friend of brandy’s. Her name was Sarai. We dated for a while and I started to have feelings for her. It lasted about 6 months or so. She dressed very tom-boyish and it lasted for about six months or so. She decided she didn’t really like men and she wanted to date women. I just wanted someone to love me. I felt like no one in my life gave a ****. When the relationship ended, I was distraught. I decided that I didn’t want to live. I didn’t feel like anyone cared and I hated myself so why even bother. I swallowed a bottle of asprin. Raymond found me and took me to the ER. They gave me some carbon stuff and I was fine. I spent the night in the ER and they released me the next day. I think that attempt was more of a cry for help than the first. For the next year or so I just felt numb. I didn’t really feel anything. I finished high school and was working.
When we meet it was a major turning point in my life. You’re the first person in my life to make me feel like I mattered. Being with you I wanted to be happy and I didn’t feel like I should be punished and miserable. You made me feel like lot less ****ed up and like a normal human being. Being with you has made me very happy and gave my life meaning. It is what makes all the pain seem worth it, because of how good you make me feel. I feel so ashamed and guilty that I feel depressed. That’s why I tend to hide it from everyone. I feel no one will love me for feeling like this, like I’m a black hole of despair that everyone wants to get rid of. You make me want to get better and deal with this stuff. When I think about it, I get so overwhelmed, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I feel like I am alone in this fight and it is my own fault. I’m sorry for feeling this way and I’m sorry it has put a strain on our relationship at time. I know it must be difficult when I don’t talk about what is bothering me and when you can tell there something is. Being so distant, the low sex drive, not eating for days, and sleeping 18 hours a day must worry you when you notice it. It must also be frustrating to deal with on your end. I’m sorry for this and I’m sorry for being afraid to talk about it. Sometimes I feel like an awful husband. I want to get better and I want to tell you what is going on, I just don’t know how, and I’m scared. I think I should get back into therapy. Try to find someone like Amy that can help me. I want to be able to tell you how I feel. I want to tell you when I’m having a bad day. I don’t want to feel alone fighting this. I want to be able to tell you when I don’t feel safe because I feel so bad. When I get thoughts about suicide, you’re the reason I don’t give in to those thoughts. I get scared of myself sometimes. It is difficult to know that I am capable of making the choice to end my life and going through with the plan. That scares me. How can someone do that to themselves? I want to get better and be the husband you fell in love with. I want to be the happy person, who likes to joke around and enjoy life. You mean the world to me, and you make me truly happy and I feel loved.