Hello pipevise,

When you referred to your first time cheating, you mentioned driving home in tears, knowing that you did something wrong... What stopped you from talking to your wife about your experience then? You said fear of losing her ~~ so what made you go back to cheating?

I am confused by your post. On one level, you seem to feel thrilled by your sexual adventures. Yet another level takes responsibility for f'ing up the relationship, but you go on to say that your wife can't leave you without a job (money) or support from others...kind of like reassurance to yourself?? What is the absolute bottom line? Is it that you aren't ashamed and you want to connect with others that have similar relationships?

By the way, how long have you two been married now? Emotional closeness is essential to healthy relationships. It sounds like you and your wife are worlds apart on several levels. What's your reward for staying with your wife? There is a positive in there somewhere, or you wouldn't continue the behavior and yet keep coming home to her. Have you begun looking into that aspect in T? I'd certainly recommend that you do.

Someday, your wife will (hopefully) find the inner strength that she needs to stand up for herself and her morals. Maybe you two will be able to repair your marriage through honesty and couple's counseling. Children are a lot smarter than people often give them credit for ~ they may not know exactly what's going on, but you can be sure that they pick up on the tension and space between you and your wife. That is sad and scary. Getting down into your true values is what will help you improve things. You need to be honest, rather than hiding behind the mask that you've been holding up.

Best wishes to your family...