Hi Amy

First you should know that many of the things you describe can be the result of depression. Depression makes one see only the negative aspects of things and makes us believe the worst things about ourselves even though those things are not based in reality. I can't speak for what is going on in your relationship but I think it is a very good possibility that loss of communication you describe may be partially caused by the depression and then made to seem that much worse because of the way depression colors our perceptions of things.

Whether you are truly suffering from depression or some other illness only a doctor can say, but it does seem very likely from your description. I feel very strongly that your next step should be to try to find some professional help to determine what is wrong and work on ways to get better.

Like everything we deal with insurance and expense is always on our minds but you should try to find some treatment that you can afford. Start by finding out if there is a mental health clinic in your community or call your local hospital and ask for their mental health department to find out what your options are. Many clinics will work on a sliding scale fee based on what you can afford.

You also MUST understand that feelings of worthlessness and that your family would be better off are clearly not true... that is just the way depression makes us see things. On some level you must realize how painful it would be to your husband if you were to leave, it would have a lasting effect on him and everyone in your family. Depression makes us somehow lose that "connection" between those things that we may know and what we believe. But if you can realize that just a little, or at least trust me and the others here that such thoughts are not based on reality, then you can have the motivation to take whatever steps you need to get better.

When you are really feeling poorly and out of control there are telephone hotlines and websites that you can visit to get the help you need. On the web http://www.idexter.com/understanding/depression.

This forum is full of friendly and supportive people who have been there and can understand what you are going through. Believe me you are NOT going insane but depression can make us feel as if we are. but the good news is that treatment is available. I hope you can find the help you need, and keep posting here for support and help to get you through this. Best wishes, and let us know how you are doing.

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--http://www.idexter.com