ok then.. follow me , it's my journey and your more than welcome to come along.

anxiety. i am doing something wrong. i can feel that I am wrong, no matter what I do at the moment. Fear. Fear of others and fear of myself. Anger, at the fear and at the feeling of doing something wrong. Desperation. at everything. at the depression that always lingers. growing desperation as the anxiety grows. The more I look at one emotion the stronger it grows, until the twinges of panic form. the more I try the more my moods swing from agitated hypo into depression and back, until they mix and melt into one another. I feel desperate and alone, scared to be around others.

my thinking is the only thing that I have any control over.

I remind myself that there is nothing that anyone can do to me. there is nothing that they can do to hurt me. to harm me.

this calms me down a little, and I feel the first signs of being like other people. doing what they want with no consequences. just having it ok to be me. the more I think of this, the more an invisible bubble expands from me, keeping me safe and growing bigger, giving me more room to move.

I have to focus on the depression now, because it helps with the agitation that I feel. with the desperation. it quiets it somehow. but I know that it's a risky game, cuz I have to keep the levels in check and not let myself be overcome by it.

the depression feels safe. it blankets everything around me, a solemn feeling takes over.

it is here that I can remember what it is like to hope. to want something better. I know in the back of my mind not to take it too far. This is when I get up and walk around. looking at all of the triggers around me. the knives in the kitchen and the kitchen sink with the sponge on it. I start remembering back to when I went crazy right before being diagnosed. I think of where I am now. the thoughts carry memories with them and I remember to fight.

I fight by forcing myself to evaluate where I am now. I start to think of my family again, and the desperation comes back a little. it puts an edge on the depression. that in and of itself is my fighting chance. I start to pretend that my wife is there with me. I know that I need to make things okay for her. for my family. Autopilot starts to take over. I am ready to explain the things that I need to do for the day. I am ready to get going. groggy and emotional, yes. but the feelings are retreating inside of me. stuffing themselves down deep and giving me some freedom. Yes, for the first time that day, I can function and go through a normal range of emotions.

yes, this is my journey.

I will stand by you on your journey too!
maybe you can find something in my journey to help you??