I don't think you are insane. I often wish I could go back to not keeping myself under such constraints. Staying in bed all day, drinking, being reckless, SI, doing and saying whatever I wanted because hey I'm crazy! I've been working, married with a child.. That's not me... My drs told my parents to be prepared to care for me always that I would never amount to anything. It's exhausting to try to fit in with society, when you are so obviously different... And have to pretend you are someone you are not just to get though the motions.