</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dtcoyle said:
I'm willing to bet that you realize the things that go through your mind are irrational. If you don't take control of your mind you will spiral out into obscurity. You have the power to reject or accept your own perceptions. If you know something running through your mind is strange and unhealthy do something about it. Take control.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

yeah, of course i realise they're irrational. the thing is, it's weird that you say to take control, because that's what i've been doing my whole life. i felt these things as a small child as well, as a teenager, basically ever since i can remember, and all i've ever done is control them. i've suppressed them, sat on them, not shown them, to the point where even my best friends in the world have no idea how i really feel most of the time. it's like, now i've admitted to feeling these things, they won't stop, they get more and more intense, like i've opened a lid on them.

the thing is, the only way i know to control them, is to suppress them, as i have been doing, and letting them gnaw away inside me to a point where i feel awful most of the time: i don't want to do that anymore. i don't want to be lying to people that i feel fine but inwardly wanting to kill them. so i must continue: my Tdoc is really good with stuff like this and is helping me to try to understand WHY and HOW i ended up feeling this way, which is really good. i must just keep on swimming, i think, and ultimately, i hope these things will resolve themselves and be either something i can accept and put up with or be something i can just shrug off.

as for the loner tendencies: these things are not entirely related. i mean, the fact that my housemates are quite physical beings does make it hard for me, but it's my own house, so i have areas i can be alone that they can't go in, and i know that ultimately i can kick them out if i have to.

the thing about not wanting to go out with friends or be sociable EVER is not really related to the physical hatred of people being overtly physical. it's just that i can't be bothered to pretend to get along with people, people bore me, they make me feel i'd rather be in bed or reading or something - it's categorically not social phobia: i have no issues with self confidence, or with talking to people in social situations; it's more a total lack of interest in people, in what htey have to say or do, in what they think is good or bad. i just don't really care. i'd rather be in with me.