Even since my earliest fantasies, I’ve been aroused by thoughts of being degraded and abused. Sometimes these fantasies can even get quite violent, and their content is very much related to my childhood. They’re sort of a reenactment of some stuff, and this has always been confusing and upsetting. The result is that I always feel ashamed and a little awkward after sex. I feel this way even if I didn’t act out any of these fantasies with my partner, because I have to go there in my mind to achieve orgasm. I usually lie to my partner and tell her how wonderful it was, when really the I feel pathetic and filled with self-hatred.

Whether in this forum or others, when I read online about people with non-vanilla fantasies, I’ve noticed that it’s common to respond with a “que sera sera” attitude. “If it makes you happy, then why not?” Sometimes this irks me a little bit, because it’s not just a simple issue of “well gee, it makes me feel good, so what’s the big deal?” These fantasies don’t stop when sex is over. They remind me of things I’d rather not think about, and they make me feel as though I enjoyed what happened. They fill me with shame and anger and regret, and they imply that I am utterly and irreparably broken. I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I could enjoy “normal” sex. I wish I didn’t have to think of these things just to reach orgasm.

This is really hard to explain, but I hope someone out there understands. Sorry if I offended anyone with this… Am I the only one that feels this way?