Dear Sundance,
I'm sorry you didn't get any replies. I didn't reply because it's hard for me to think about my childhood still. I've recently broken through to a new level that is really difficult and I'm having a hard time keeping the horrors of my past at bay.
That being said, yes, I think what you wrote made a lot of sense. I've heard many women talk about having a string of abusive experiences after the initial act. The panick attacks at school sound realy hard. It must have been aweful. I got panick attacks that kept me from leaving the house to get on the school bus. I "dealt" with it by drinking alcohol and smoking pot before I went to school. It was the only way I could get out the door. Before I read what you wrote I never thought of them as panick attacks. I just knew I was too terrified to leave the house unless I "medicated" in some way.
I thinks it's great that you had this insight about your childhood. That's some really great work! Again, I'm sorry you didn't get any replies. I know it really bums me out when not many people reply to mine either. Try to remember it's not about you. I suspect there are a lot of us who have a hard time dealing with the realities of what our experiences have done to our lives. We are all at different places in our recovery too. I think seeing the pattern in your life is big. I don't think that comes early in recovery. You've obviously done a lot of hard work to get to this point. I wanted to write to let you know I heard you and I care. Annie