I know it's difficult to see yourself as you really are -physically and psychologically - but you need to keep trying, imo. Do you have friends that honestly do not have eating disorders that you consider look good? Why not have your picture taken with them, and compare yourself. It takes a lot to retrain the brain to see what is reality, overriding what your emotional self sees.

Can you change the way you think and talk (and type?) Instead of saying and thinking "I am sooo fat!" say and think "I FEEL sooo fat!" It's a small change, but will help in the long run.

You aren't alone in this disorder, but you do need help to live through it, imo. (((hugs)))