Wanting to feel connected is a good thing, I think.

For most of my life, I didn't care about connectedness. I liked being out in the stratosphere all by myself. It was lonely, but at least I didn't have to worry about anyone hurting me.

Then, when I reached my thirties, I realized how unusual and unhealthy my isolation is. So I sought out a therapist to help me feel connected...to help me to develop positive feelings towards others.

Now I'm feeling myself pull back again. After feeling just a little of the pain that self-awareness brings, I've come to the realization that it just doesn't seem worth it to care so much.

I know I am missing out on stuff and that I'm depriving myself of something that I can't recreate on my own. Maybe this means I'm inherently self-centered and immature, I don't know. But I guess I'd rather be self-centered and immature than crazy/depressed and suicidal.

I tried telling my therapist this last week, but she didn't understand what I was trying to say.