Haven't been here for a while, just sinking lower and lower. Finally cried out, finally wanted to hear a voice, some HELP, like serious help. That bit comes later... but meanwhile , to distract myself
I did some soduku , online puzzles, for ten whole minutes, and found myself screaming inwardly 'do I actually give a flying fking care where number 7 goes ?' (no !) and crying again, at my patheticness. Turned over, tried to sleep, that didn't work because I sleep on and off all day. Pathetic, as I am, I then rang for a cigarette delivery because I had none, and nearly broke my neck walking across my bedroom floor because of the mess, and went back to bed. Couldn't look at the delivery man because I look, and smell no doubt, a complete mess. Just thanked him, behind a half open door. Imagine that, desperate scenario.

Thought about how I can end this suffering, as I then again tried to induce sleep, but found myself gazing blankly into hard space. My face frozen in grief, willing my phone to ring, praying over and over to God for help.
Seriously, ROCK BOTTOM.
God seemly isn't listening, and has forsaken me.

Not really sure why at gone 2.30am I'm telling you this, but thanks for reading, anyway.

So my day went on, looking for easy relief from this misery. Wondering if a toaster into a full bath would work, but the lead won't reach, it might hurt , and who wants soggy toast anyway ?
Then it was the knife option, but I can't bear blood or pain, other than childbirth so gave that idea up.
Don't have many tablets, certainly not enough to do it properly, and can't face puking up, am a baby and would cry, can't do sick.

So what do I do ? I picked up my phone and rang my doctor. Huge step, for me, in all this time. Been a year, more really if honest, spent in bed. ( Look, at my bedroom floor ! The state of me....... ) Anyway.
What did she say ?
'It's gone 5 oclock, it's the weekend, why are you ringing now ? I haven't seen you in over a year '
I replied 'Doctor, I'm desperate ! '
( As in I need help, a home visit, as the thought of a weekend like this is scary )
What was her answer ? In a high pitched ' get me outta here voice'
'I think an ambulance is a good option !'

SERIOUSLY !
No offer of a visit, follow up, call or support.
That was a doctor, taking a desperate call.