(((brookwest))),

I am so sorry that you don't have sympathetic people around you in your family. Yes, you are right, that can be extra hard when someone is struggling with PTSD and needs love and support while trying to heal. They will be the first ones to come back with the "just" comments too.

As I mentioned before, everyone has "some" narcisistic qualities in them, but it becomes a disorder when someone has too much of it and others begin to suffer from that. It is important to remember that people don't knowingly "try" to be intentionally mean or become one, they honestly think that they are doing the right thing and that "they are somehow special and above all others". They are typically the ones that will step up to the plate for a chance at power, simply because that is what is most important to them. Unfortunately "cover ups" and "lies" are just something they consider, a necessary normal part of the climb to power, gain and control and fame. When they get power, everyone must adore and protect them. They give rewards for adoration, and each reward is not truely for others, but simply because they know they will maintain being adored and should own the seat of power and position. This is why the phrase "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

When I think about the trainer that I was exposed to, all he wanted was to be "adored" and "have power and win". Thinking back and recalling the things he would say and do, I can see how he would do anything in his effort to look like he was someone "important" in the competitive horse world. I remember how much he hated another trainer, and that was because the other trainer was "adored" like he wanted to be. That other trainer was his focus and he was obsessed with trying to beat him and bring him down somehow. And because I happened to pick a horse that ended up being so talented, I was privy to alot of his thoughts. He was suspicious of everyone, and he painted several people as evil, when they were not, all they were guilty of is "not adoring him" and being "successful". The things that came out of his mouth never ceased to amaze me. But all that time, I didn't know what a Narcisist was.

It is hard when in an environment where so many of them gather if you don't understand or know what they are. There is a lot of tension and pressure and wealthy parents who needed to feel "their child was the star and the most gifted one".

When I made the choice that I wanted to break away from this trainer, report the way he was neglecting his children and try to find a trainer that was a better role model for my child, I had to dig deep to find my courage.

When I did that, at the same time I was separated because my husband had finally confessed he had been unfaithful. I had found a trainer that I felt could help my daughter finish the season. But once I moved all hell was going to come down and I was going to experience the true wrath of taking something a Narcisist felt he owned.

I had to endure going to these show grounds surrounded by whispers and gossip that was horrible. And because of that type on environment it is normal that people soak these terrible lies up and consider them as "possible truths". This man stalked me and my daughter and made sure that he was positioned close to us and spared no effort to try to intimidate my daughter so she would be frightened and lose her ability to concentrate and be able to compete. He would make harassing and threatening calls to this new trainer and tell her things about me that were creepy and twisted.
He had one of his students who was very smart, extremely high IQ find a way to hack into our computer where he got access to our credit card and ordered xrated tapes.

When people talk about feeling "alone" when around these kinds of people, I know to the depths of me what that feels like. I was separated, trying to run my farm, do my business and try to be strong to get my daughter through to the end of that season.
I could not show my real fear in front of my daughter either, I had to express stength and determination even though I was very alone and frightened inside.

What I "can" say is that because I managed to stand tall and show determination, my daughter went into that ring and was able to amaze everyone with how well she focused and was able to do really well. And then, slowly, because she was sooo strong, trainers began to cheer her on. They made it a point to stand next to him to let her know they stood in support of her.

It really is scarey to be around these people, and they can be amazingly determined and cold and calculating and selfish and suspicious. But, you have to find a way to dig deep, take pride in what is good in you. And I know that can be sometimes very lonely and scarey. I have shared my story so that if someone begins to self doubt and allow themselves to believe they should feel like an "idot", don't. Remember my story instead. I faced so much so alone and scared with my child in tow. I stood as strong as I could "inspite of the awful whistpers and doubts and stalkings" and I overcame so much.

Pegasus, as I mentioned, you need to see what you do have, and you "are" special and fill a real need. I know how hard it can be and how people like this can belittle, but as long as you remember what you "do have" that they "dont" you can learn how to take pride inspite of them.

Open Eyes