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It seems like my posts are mostly about this, but here it is again.
I've had the entire week off from work. In fact, I'll have been off for ten days by the time I go back, and I've done nothing I wanted to do because I feel like I can't. I can hardly get out of bed, I've been sleeping too much, and have backed out of even seeing friends because I don't want to leave my apartment.
I feel like my family doesn't need me anymore, and that I don't matter much. My friends don't contact me because they're with their significant others, and of course I don't have one. I never had kids so I don't have a have a family. I am truly alone.
I feel alone and isolated, but I also know I've done this to myself. This is my fault, and all because I feel so bummed that being around people is such an effort on my part. I have to put on a mask that everything's fine, when it's not.
My life isn't even that bad, but for some reason I cannot get out of my poisoned brain that I'm not worthy of anyone's love. I've been on a dating site too for three months and I can't get up the courage to go meet someone because I feel like they're going to be disappointed in what they see. I feel judged for being a 41 woman without kids, and I know I am.
I've read other people's stuff on here and my life seems like cake compared to theirs, which makes me feel even more guilty for how I feel. My heart and soul are sad, and I just don't know what to do.
I've been on medication before, but haven't followed through with it. I'm not consistent with anything. I actually got online through my insurance to look for a therapist because I know I need one, and as I know I can't talk to my family about this anymore. I know they're tired of dealing with my mood-swings. I've been telling them this week that I'm sick, and I do feel sick. My head hurts, my heart aches, my body actually hurts and I feel so lost.
It's like I can't get my life started because I feel like I don't deserve one. My life has totally revolved around work, and since I'm not there it's like I'm at a loss. What do I do? Do I have to do everything alone? I'm tired of doing everything alone. But I'm tired of hurting so much for so many reasons. I haven't even gotten my oil changed in my car because I don't want to go up the block by myself again. Isn't that stupid?
But for some reason I just can't. I just can't do it. I can't shop. Hell, I can't get out of bed! I just got up! And it's 3pm here!
I'm sorry - I know there are so many of you suffering through so much more. It's my stupid, poisoned brain that keeps telling me I'm not worth anything... and trying to rise up from it has been exhausting.
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