I do not currently self injure, but the urges are there. I know the consequences would (emotionally) kill me if I picked it up again... but I want to do it again SO badly. I think about it most of the day, and most of my energy is spent on fighting the urges. I know people say you have to stop for yourself, or it will not work (like drugs, alcohol or smoking), but the external consequences have kept me from doing it for a year and a half. I know that I would lose my marriage (or in the very least seriously damage it), and potentially lose my freedom by once again being hospitalized... but some days I think (just for a fraction of a second) that it would all be worth it just to feel that way again (the relief). So many people just don't get this (tho I am guessing other people who self injure and anyone fighting any other addiction would get it). It's not that my relationship is devalued in any way, or that I would even want to endanger it. It's just that the "high" from the si would feel so good. That moment of amazing just gnaws at me... I want it again, and have not found any other way to produce it. It makes my anxiety go away, and my thoughts stop racing, and it gives me a really good feeling, up until the second the regret and shame kick in. If I could find something that did all that without the regret and shame, I would take it in a heartbeat....


also, what good are hotlines? they don't help, they just tell you to get in-person help... great. thanks. i didn't know that already... ugh! I really, really, really miss my old therapist... I hate this new state's mental health system, and their lack of help... I deal with students who (bless their hearts for wanting to get educated) know squat about any of this, and are not available more than just a few hours on 2 days a week... trusting is SO hard, and I have to find 50 million people to contact just to make it through the week... this sucks... I'm really hating it all right now, and wishing I was "home" where I could at least call my old T and she would get back to me with something helpful, or at least supportive...