How I am finding my self-worth is rather oxymoronic. I am realizing the world isn't about ME (cue Shane and Shane's "Aware"). Probably 50% of the time, when I think someone is mad at me, they are not. It has nothing to do with me. The other 50% of the time when they are mad at me, 99% of the time, it still has nothing to do with me. It has to do with how they are perceiving me and viewing me through their filters and veils of pain.
I believe God made me and He made me for a purpose. We all still influence each other and I try to choose to influence for good, but I fail at times as we all do.
I am realizing more and more that life is a series of choices and accepting the consequences of those choices. I have two good examples of this.
1. A client of mine decided last Friday that he was not going to the LEC, where he works. I went over to the group home and sat down with him and the day support advocate who remained behind with him. I told him that he had made a choice not to go to work. I told him that missing work held two consequences; one, he lost income for that day, and two, he wasn't going to get to go bowling that afternoon because it was an LEC activity. I asked him if he was willing to accept those consequences. He said yes. I asked him if he felt bad, sad, depressed, angry, etc. He said he was fine. I said that he couldn't lie around and watch TV. He had to help the advocate complete tasks around the house. He agreed to do so. I reminded him of his goals; to obtain his GED, learn to take the bus, eventually obtain his drivers license. He said he'd return to the LEC Monday. I said not to go for me, but for himself. Monday, he was telling everyone he came because he is working toward his goals.
2. I have had problems with my T in the last month. I had gotten myself into a depressive spiral and became over dependent on her to meet my needs. She decided that was going to cease and placed strict boundaries on the relationship. The first week, I had a very hard time dealing with it. I was already getting down on myself before this happened. I realized last Thursday that I was choosing to feel this way and I was not going to allow T or anyone else (including myself; cue Pink's "Don't Let Me Get Me") dictate my worth. H helped me the night before. I told him I felt like T and I were on a boat in the middle of a large lake. T shoved me into the water and yelled, "SWIM". I'm drowning in deep water. T won't let me get back in the boat, she shoves me back in the water. It's too far to swim to shore. I'm surely going to die. H told me to reframe that story because it was MY story. He said, "Stand up. You're only standing in three feet of water. Look T in the eye. Realize that you have nothing left to lose because you're in the water. She's in the boat. I could choose to push her in the lake. I could walk to shore. No matter what, she loses. I decided that Thursday that I am worthy, confident, intelligent, and competent and no one was going to make me believe otherwise. The best part was getting to look T straight in the eye, unwavering, and tell T that this past Wednesday. Her look was incredulous, then pleased.
That's not to say that I've not had a bad couple of days since deciding. I'll always have bad days. But even when I do, I am still worthy, confident, intelligent, and competent.
I sincerely hope you find your answers, Lola.
