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Old Feb 03, 2013, 08:30 AM
Anonymous32795
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My birthmother was Irish. My adoptive mother, a raging narcissist, often told me my adoption story in a way that left me feeling more rejected and abandoned then adoption already leaves you feeling.

I was told my birth mother was a drunk, she had another son whom was taken from her due to abuse. This I later found out was true when I traced my older brother, his since died from abuse suffered as a child.

i was told my birth mother laughed when she handed me over to the 'go between' who arranged this adoption. This was back in the 60s when private deals were allowed as my adoptive parents had both been turned down by social services back then as unsuitable to be adoptive parents, this knowledge helped validate my experience growing up with them.

so back to my birth mother, I have spent my life battling my self hatred, battling the image of her laughing and saying 'thank god thats over' as she handed me over.

I was told a lot worse about her and have walked a tight-rope of hating her and loving her, wishing she would have come back for me.

I was told that she disappeared for 2yrs after letting me go and was finally traced after being arrested for drunk and disorderly and came back to finalise the adoption papers My adoptive mother always said she was unable to bond with me during that time as she was unsure if she would be able to keep me. Then she said my birth mother asked to see a photo of my other brother who was adopted with me, she said my birth mother never asked to see one of me.

so cut to when I begun therapy, T saw the film 'The magdalene sisters' and suggested my birth mother could have grown up in one of those homes. I immediately attacked T for having symphaphy for HER!!!! I could not tolerate even contemplating my birth mothers life, and of course why should I, and T wasn't even meaning in that way. But there was no room for my birthmothers suffering within my suffering at that point. That was about 8yrs ago, I have never stopped looking for my birth mother, but never had success. I have her photo and her name, (know she worked in an hospital laundry when first coming over to the mainland uk) but her christian name had been changed, on her wedding cert it said Edna formally known as Ellen and that has been a big puzzle, wondering why she had changed her name. when you have little info on someone, the little you have becomes so important, and those 2 names were important.
Another something I do not know about her.

This wkend someone on another forum posted an article from the Irish Times about the Magdalene Institute, this is the bit that hit me between the eyes...

......."So much of the story about the Magdalen laundries centres on names; on identities lost, abandoned or forgotten. Thousands of girls and young women went through their doors during two centuries. Each had her Christian name changed by the nuns, her surname unused......"

Dam! that was it, suddenly another bit of the puzzle fell into place, I suspect she had been involved in the magdalene institutes, that explains how messed up she was, her life, the abuse she would have experienced growing up herself, suddenly I could think about her, the thought of her lauging at getting rid of me stopped being about me, it became about her, her pain, yes she gave up 3 kids but underneath all the bravado, was pain! I felt my inner child suddenly grow up!, I didnt feel like any of this story was about me, my adoptive mother try her hardest to knock any self respect i may have out of me, never giving me any moral support in my adoption story, always using it as a weapon to take from me and not give to me, Plus her judgements of my birth mother were critical constantly, she had no idea what my birth mother had gone through in her life, wasnt' able too understand it much like I when I begun therapy.

I felt yesterday that I released both myself and my birth mother, I mean given her history, how could it have been any other way. I hope if shes still alive she found peace within herself, I have it now.
Hugs from:
anilam, anonymous112713, Anonymous32765, Anonymous37917, Asiablue, feralkittymom, Lamplighter, murray, photostotake, TayQuincy, unaluna
Thanks for this!
ECHOES, Lamplighter, Perna, sittingatwatersedge, TayQuincy