I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you. I had a dream 10 or so years ago that my mother had not died, she'd been in an institution all these years and I'd just not known/been told; I woke so very angry. I think a part of us look for our mothers for always, but that particular inner child becomes the shape of the others at some point when we understand better; they all even/balance out instead of one or another being so big/important.