My father's phrase was, " How can you be so smart about some things and so gd dumb about others!?" I know that I spent a great deal of my life deeply concerned with making others think I was unconcerned with what they thought. That was a prime motivator for me. Of course, I didn't see it that way at the time because I didn't have enough insight into my behavior. I believed that I genuinely didn't care.

But now I recognize I was engaged in that pursuit out of self-protective fear. I also recognize that in seeking to make others believe I didn't care what they thought, I was just as controlled by outside perceptions as a naked approval seeker-- the very personality which had filled me with the greatest contempt.