Tater305 's

Pretty sure I did not need to go see a doc to know what I felt was not happy.

It does sound like you want more insight to you, even though I did read that you are not going to see any one-- i do suggest to get some sort of treatment (weather that going to a therapist or finding your own things that you like to do or self help books) and that is to help you to feel better and live a better life-

Self harm coupled with suicide thoughts are important to just not to shrug off .... as well as Depression as well.

I hope that you find an answer you are looking for some day

Many well thoughts your way