I do think the most important thing is the way a T says it and the way they help the client deal with it afterwards. The first time mine got really angry at me, she wasn't just saying one or two truths that I needed to hear. She was yelling at me, for a solid hour, while I sat there completely shattered, crying in a way that I never cry in front of anyone (no tears left my eyes for the first few years of therapy). My T, my one safe person was really harming me. She went as far as comparing me to my mother (who I've never been anything like, and I've fought for that from a very young age). She also said I wouldn't be a good mother. Now, I don't think I'm good enough anyway and so it's just not going to happen. However, years ago when I had so, so much trouble talking to T, she played a game with me where you picked a card and asked the other person the question on the card, and I remember her asking me "what would you do if you were a mother" and I said "I'd dedicate myself to being the best parent I could be" and T looked at me quite sincerely and she said she really believed I would. T also compared me to her other clients, who are more responsive than me. She didn't even look at me at the end of the appointment, and she didn't acknowledge my apology for how badly the session went. She had opened her door and was talking to her next client (we'd run over time).

I've always been really grateful that my T has been one to share her experience of me, with me. It's always really helped me and it makes me feel like we have a genuine relationship, which I really need. My T has since said she's been too reactive towards me, and she should have taken a one month break from me. The whole time, I was always just trying my best, I was not pushing any boundaries or anything like that. I really do think it's okay and can be helpful for T's to share those feelings, but not if they're said in a moment of frustration, as a criticism, rather than an insight. T's need to be gentle with the way they handle this and careful to help a client manage their reaction afterwards.

It was an interesting question though Bluey, so thanks for asking...and thanks for wishing me well too. I've related to your posts in the past and thought you probably had quite a good understanding of going through something so difficult with a T too. I think I've stayed with T out of weakness rather than bravery. T has, at least, finally recognised that I've really fought for the relationship.