This might be a bit vague, because I don't really understand it myself.
I share an apt with 3 other girls. Last night, everyone was out. I went to the bathroom (we all share) and brushed my teeth and washed my face. I was going to put on my pajamas when I got really "space-y." You probably know what I'm talking about- I began staring off and I don't recall what I was thinking at all, though I probably was thinking about something. Anyway, I took my jacket off, then the thin brown belt I was wearing over my dress. (I can't recall a single thought I had during this experience). I've never quite understood how to create a noose, but I took the belt and put it around my neck as I would my waist. Then, I tugged at the shower rod to see if it was strong. I stood up on the edge of the bathtub and took the belt from my neck, tied it, and placed it back around my neck. At this point, something inside of me woke up and I quickly took the belt off and got down. I didn't feel fear exactly, just kind of an adrenaline rush along with uneasiness.
I just have no idea how to interpret this situation. I've been in treatment for depression/anxiety for about 4 months. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. I'm afraid to mention this incident to my therapist, because I'm afraid of being sent to the hospital again (I was sent there 2 months ago for suicidal gestures). I don't exactly think I'm suicidal, but in that moment, I felt so detached and strange that I probably could have easily completed.
Am I taking this too seriously? Not seriously enough? Has anyone had any experience with this?