hi.

i've really had it with this withdrawal..
i'm on day 9 or 10....

in 8 days i had 3 nights worth of sleep...
i'm going 36-40 hours inbetween sleep currently..

the doctors prescribed me hydroxyzine for sleep.. which has had intolerable side effects and a half-life that leaves me trashed the next day.
i tried to get some melatonin from the pharmacy but thats prescription only!? so i'm going back to the doctors today to try and get a new script...

they won't give me sleeping pills due to prior 'substance abuse'....
which ironically; just me telling them my insomnia is from quitting weed would disqualify me from getting sleeping pills anyway.. (sigh...)

i've today woken up at 1.00am having slept from 2pm in the afternoon..
and i don't know what to do with myself.
i've quit alchohol for a month... ; and will never drink again...


and whats really pissing me off. is i've just found out my next round of therapy; due to budget cuts. won't be at the maudsley but at a lesser institute for mental health. -> and the icing on the cake is; my last round of therapy at the maudsley hospital was cancelled because my mental health was too bad to engage in therapy..
so i've made all these changes... quit drugs.... moved out from living with my NPD alchoholic father...
and now i'm told i won't be re-engaging therapy were i left off... but have been bumped down to a; sub-par therapy course.
i've been told if the 'sub-par' people don't have the necessary skills to help me they will then refer me back up to the maudsley.
so far these 'sub-par' people have failed to even respond to my doctors ref feral for over 2 months...
he's re-sent my refferal, and my doctor has still not had any response from them, and is now going to give me their contact details; lest i have a better.../ actually get a response from them.!!!!!

i don't know how much longer i can take not sleeping...
plus my BDD and OCD have got so much worse, its ridiculous.
i feel so let down, that i've put in all this effort... ; and am now not going to have therapy for a good long while... hell, i don't even know if i'm on a waiting list anymore or not.

I hate g.ps. the first thing they offered me; as usual, was piriton.
piriton is a hayfever medication; chlorephenamine maleate.
it is a first generation antihistamine; with sedative effects.
it also acts as an SNRI; which the doctors refuse to believe me about...

Hydroxyzine is also a first generation antihistamine with stronger sedative effects than piriton.

i just don't know what to do.
and don't seem to have any help available.
this SUCKS.
and seeing as i've smoked everyday for a decade; who knows how long this withdrawal will last for me.
i don't think i can do this, not without help...

so i'm back to; 'need to quit weed for therapy, need therapy to quit weed'
or at least a medication that doesn't suck hard.
so far my doctors have given me: Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Clorephanamine maleate, Hydroxyzine and buspar. - Thanks a F*ing lot...
all of those aforementioned drugs have made my life so much worse..
especially the ssri's...
^none of which i take any longer.

arhghhggh what to do.