I am very depressed.

Friday, I managed to get out and get my laundry done - right down to the scatter rugs. That got me so pleased with myself that I was just about to cook some supper. (a big step up . . . been just eating cereal.)

First, I called my friend whom I check on at least twice daily. He said he was sitting on the floor and couldn't get up. I drove over to help him. I did and he was alright.

I stayed with him that night. Then, yesterday, I got hurt by something he said. I was criticising how much food he wasted. I was being kind of mean, truthfully. He asked why I cared. I said that it was because I am living kind of poor on a tight SSDI budget, and I have to stretch every dollar and not waste a thing. He replied that me being poor was my problem and not his problem. He further said, "You made yourself poor."

We have a great many years together as S/Os. Living together didn't work, but we stayed best friends, even though apart. There were many times that he had serious problems. I never said, "That's your problem, not mine."

I am very depressed . . . partly because I feel my life has been pretty loveless. It has been very lonely, since not working. He has told me that there is no reason for me to have given up trying to work. He does not believe in depression. He tells me I'm lazy.

I won't believe anything he says about being sorry. He probably will. He'll say the words just came out wrong. But he is pretty darn good with words, so I won't believe that. Words mean a lot to me. He says I talk too much. He makes it clear that he's bored with me a lot of the time. He never considers how boring it is for me to be with an aged man who sleeps most of the time now, even sitting up. It's lonely for me.

I want him to say he appreciates me. I want his adult children to call me once in a while and say something nice. None of that will happen. I don't want to stay with him, and I don't want to be alone. So I am stuck in depression. Maybe if I find more laundry to do, I will get proud of myself again.

It really is a big decision that I'm in the middle of. I can't keep putting a toe in and then stepping out. He is elderly and frail and not managing safely on his own. I can't sort of be his caretaker, but run away from that when I feel hurt. If he needs help and I don't want to be the helper, then he has to know that. His kids have to know that. Where he lives has to know that. I'm listed on the lease as the primary caregiver.