Hi Nowheretorun,
I used to hold your view ...till I found myself in a "dangerous rleationship". It is a very eye opening experience and requires a rational attitude to an irrational feeling. Yes I love him still and wish it were different, that is I did walk away but wish it hadn't come to that.

An interesting read for men and women who consider they may be in an unhealthy relationship is
Dangerous Relationships - How to identify & respond to the 7 warning signs of a troubled relationship. Noelle Nelson - Perseus Publishing.

As for my man, he could be charming and caring and I always enjoyed his company. He too has issues and it was really after a year or so that he started objectifying me. I was committed to making things work and spoke to him frankly about what I considered abusive behaviour - one time he "tossed me around" I was battered and bruised though technically he didn't hit me. It was like he flipped and saw me as THE problem when he had no CONTROL over a given situation. He was openly remorseful and we decided to put it aside as a once off. Note here I had always maintained you wouldn't see me for dust if someone hit me. BUT I reasoned that I know of several men including my father who had "hit" a woman once but not a second time and gone on to have healthy relationships. So I forgave him and was optimistic it was a once off. A growing point for both of us.

After a month of BLISS he threatened me. I protested till he agreed it was not acceptable. I perceive a threat to carry the same terror. Things limped along and then he started ignoring my feelings with regard to his behaviour and I knew it was not the place for me. That said, it doesn't make it easy to leave when you love someone that you are starting to feel unsafe and vulnerable with. One very alarming thing he said when we were discussing dog training "you only have to hit a dog once!" to establish the dominance. Hmmm?

It can be SO GOOD and SO BAD. We all tolerate behaviour that is not to our liking but when the balance slowly slips to the far end of the scale then recovers, it is confusing whether you are on a path of recovery or destruction. I also wanted to believe in him as I had done. I lost confidence that I would ever have what I thought I had with him in the outset.

I don't want to run him into the ground, he had a troubled past and when I met him he was focused on making his life worthwhile. I admired his balanced outlook given his disturbing history. I really thought he was tuned in and somewhat spiritual. I believe he was ...at the time. He avoids responsibility for his actions though and transfers it to those around him "causing" his misfortune. I really really love him. I want good things for him BUT not at my expense and that became my bottom line. It is not easy to know where the line is and of course he is not helpful when he is in a frame that can't hear me when I appeal to his better side.

I liken it to when he is behaving responsibly I have "the man" and I love him no end. Sometimes he lets "the boy" out to have control and that's when we have problems. I love the man and can't communicate with the boy. A bit simple I know but it is so hard to describe. Still. We have been apart for nearly three months now and I haven't seen him though we have spoken a couple of times. I figure it is not good for me to see him at his place alone and have declined explaining my anxiety. Mostly I think I am concerned if he charms me again I could be right back into it. I must let my head rule the heart.

Go figure!!!??