I care about you! you are not a freak, you have just come across a whole load of bxxxxds in your life, you have the ability to be a great person, what others think of you is irrelevant, it is what you think of yourself that counts. sounds to me that your environment is detrimental to your health and well being, being vulnerable attracts bxxxds, you have to give the impression you can cope and are a strong character..strong not violent. you need to protect yourself from harm, not cause harm to yourself, you need therapy to help with this as there seems to be a lot to work through, it will not be easy, but well worth it, a worth you deserve.
i had a lot of bxxxds in my life too, but have rebelled againstthem by cutting all contact moving away and building myself a life which does not involve bxxxds any longer. any that cross my path are told in no uncertain terms where they stand and what they can go if they cross me!

everyone deserves a chance of hapiness, give yourself that chance x