Hey all,
I guess I am all alright compared to the usual me. At the moment I am lonley, down, self absorbed, exausted mentally, broken, confused, lost, and who knows what else.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster . I spent time stuck at the bottom and it was hell, absolute hell. Life as I know it was nearly over, but here I am, no longer in absolute hell but trying to get up the mountain. I feel like I am sliding backwards into the pits of hell again. It is so hard to keep my head above water. I want to scream, cry, break things, talk, connect. It is very frustrating sometimes.

I am in limbo. H and I are working on things. I feel like a looser. He does things, I want to leave, I convince myself to stay, I'm glad I did then I feel like crap because I ha ve no back bone.

Things are good between us at the moment. It is absolute hell knowing or if not knowing protecting myself against what I assume still the same hell and torment in a few weeks. The not knowing, the inability to let go of the past, and guarding myself against my H's words consumes me some days. The T says h is trying to change. I know that. She gets frustrated w/ me and my expecting bad things to happen, waiting for the worst and not giving the positive a chance. She has never been there. She admits she and her H get along great. But she says I am not giving my H a fair chance to forgive. I am setting him up for failure. I don't see it that way. I see the cycle of past events and I see it repeat it's self over and over.

How can I put myself in harms way. How can I stand by unguarded while this man rips my heart out w/ his words. He's like a kitten. He looks harmless enough but he will sink his claws into you and draw blood when you least expect it. I'm tired of all of this. I have no choice but to proceede. The sun comes up and another day begins. Another day to push threw the pain and confusion. Another day to feel spineless. It is nap time for little one. It is nap time for me to today. Maybe sleep will help.

Thank you for listening.