This is sort of a long post and a bit of a rant anyways, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today and she seemed like an ok person and all but it didn't seem very helpful. First she asked a lot of questions which I am fine with but I felt like I could hardly answer before she went on to the next thing. I was honest about everything but it was kind of frusterating, I was honest that I smoke cannabis and she didn't even ask about why or how it effects me just straight up said I 'need' to quit so I said I likely was not going to walk out of there and never smoke again...because it's true but I'd be open to cutting down though she didn't even ask how much I smoked it.

I don't know it just bothered me how she went about that, not that it was totally unexpected but it was just frusterating that she hardly seemed to listen to a thing I said and then wanted me to just do as she says. Then she seemed to be pressuring me to try the effexor the last psychiatrist I saw prescribed but I was afraid to try it due to experiances I've had with quite a few other psych meds...not comfortable subjecting myself to that just yet and maybe never would be. But then she even tried saying if I really wanted to get better I would try it, so I said I didn't quite see it that way because I have legitimate reasons to be careful what drugs I ingest I just feel a bit angry I felt like I had to defend my reasons.

My therapist is ok but not so sure what I think of this psychiatrist...I mean I don't think not trying the effexor because I am afraid of side effects and/or another trip to the psych ward means I don't want to get 'better' and I don't know how she defines better....but I am pretty sure an anti-depressant even if it did do what it was supposed to wouldn't fix all my problems and mental health. Not to mention I have been doing my best to try and eat and shower enough, get up and out of my room and at least go outside a bit, just filled out more SSI paperwork and called to figure out some college loan crap and have been looking into herbal remedies and a more natural approach to my mental health so is not like I am sitting around refusing to do anything to better myself or my situation...and I don't like the implication that if I don't want to do it their way I don't 'want' any improvement in life.

Its also confusing and irritating to me when they tell you not to drink or use any drugs then they try to push drugs on you even if you've reacted badly to simular drugs. I don't think she has bad intentions its just more of the same of the general way mental health is treated. People don't say you should try every kind of alcohol to determine if you like it or not...if someone doesn't like alcohol based on having a mixed drink they probably wouldn't like someone telling them they should just try a beer, or a different mixed drink or this or that. Anyways it just seemed really rushed, stressful and demanding without much effort on the psychiatrists part to really try and understand how I feel and what struggles i have.

I don't want to fry my brain with psych meds before I even determine what I want in life or at least what direction I'd like to go in. Its like alice in wonderland except my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. I guess I'll talk to the therapist about it, but yeah if someone comes off too pushy I tend to retreat if Its not ideal to do so physically than I do mentally....and that is kind of what I feel happened. I hope I didn't seem too rude or anything but I know I was feeling defensive.