Tater many hugs.

"even if I get better I have nothing to go back to, "

Ya know, this may not touch on depression but with PTSD (that is what one of my dx's are)--- I am learning slowly but surely- that what ever was that 'past me'; i will never get to go back to-- I have to go forward to a 'growing me' that has some 'new' things added.

Some things do take baby steps

" idk why I keep going"

You may not know why, but there is something that keeps you going- you are here on PC trying to reach out, and the very fact that you are still here on earth-- there is something.
some times seeing other people, they can help unmask things inside us that we did not know off hand ourselves. some times others can help guide another with what that is inside, and to "home in on it" and to create other things of "why we are still here"...
Some cases that is a mental health professional that helps guide and home in on that.

It can be amazing what some coping skills that can be learned can do to change the view of life. Not to say there aren't bumps in the road in life but having a better grip with how to "Deal" with the situation can make all the difference.

many good thoughts your way