I can say one thing....you sound very much like my H who I finally left 5 years ago after 33 years of tolerating him.

He went to therapy....but all it did was give him a place to blame others for his failures rather than working on anything.....T for him was useless. Yep, he had a high IQ like you.....but no common sense, no ability to communicate & yes, I had to fight him for everything & I got sick of his lying by just not telling me important information.

He was a looser before I married him & I knew at the time the problems I had issues with....but stupidly listened to my mother because he was a NICE person..........but he was only nice on his terms when he wanted people to see him that way. Those same things I realized were a problem before getting married to him only got worse over the years & it was the best thing I ever did in my life was to leave him........

I can't say that it wouldn't be the best thing for your wife to leave you either.....but not seeing the big picture & only seeing it through my tinted view...I can't judge the situation.....but you can want to change....but if you aren't willing to do the work that's necessary to change...Therapy will be useless & unless you get a T who requires you to work & change it will be useless also because if you are like my husband there is no internal desire or drive to force change.

I can only with you the best.....because I honestly see how miserable my H (stbxh) is in his life & I can see how peaceful & happy I am completely away from him & want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again in my life because any contact only brings back the angry feelings that overwhelmed me to the point of seeing red before I finally left him. The contrast in my life is a total miracle & my past is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I hope you will want & will put in the effort to make the changes necessary to just be a better, kinder, more caring person so that you can have a happier life. You are what you are now only because you have lived that way for so long....but personalities are able to change with the same amount of practice that created them in the first place & a lot of heart for wanting to change.

Don't be the same jerk that my stbxh is.....you don't have to be & it's not necessary to hold onto a personality that arrogantly doesn't work. I know I would have been so pleasantly surprised if I had seen even a little tinge of change in my stbxh...but I think by that point I had lost so much respect for him (which really never was there from the start) that nothing he could have done at that point would have made me love him.....realized for me that without respect, I can't possibly feel love.

I wish you the will to change....but if not, I wish you the grace to let your wife go without a fight. I get the silent fight from my stbxh...his complete lack of action by refusing to respond & communicate.......it's going to be such a wonderful relief when this divorce is final.

I can't say that I don't understand your wife 100%. Change isn't easy & it does take a lot of work.....one of the reasons my stbxh had no interest in changing because he is lazy & refuses to do anything that takes any amount of work...if it doesn't come easy without having to put any effort into it, he's not interested in participating.

I wish you the best in this & that is to change because I know how miserable it is to live with someone similar to you.

Best wishes