I am not entirely sure why I saw her, she asked me like twice what the appointment was for or whatever, and I wanted to say 'well I'm wondering the same thing.' I didn't set up the appointment. I saw a different psychiatrist a couple times and got switched to this one so I figured she knew more than me about it. I have another appointment in 3 months and she said I can come in before that if I have any issues or want to attempt a medication.

I just feel even more confused though, I thought psychiatrists were supposed to be more heavily educated on how to treat mentally ill people first off and claiming I don't want to get better if I'm not willing to take whatever medication they throw at me doesn't give me that impression...I am not exactly mad(in the angry sense) I more found it funny because thats like the most obvious form of manipulation in existance. Either that or she was testing whether I could see through manipulation or not without telling me. Of couse I didn't want to be rude so I didn't want to be super blunt or laugh though I was probably rather blunt because I am sick of getting nowhere with these people. I just hate feeling like I know 10x more than the professionals I try to get help from. I am starting to get into the 'if something needs done I better do it myself.' mode but if I give into that too much I'll likely screw up the SSI process and end up jobless and needing to apply again so I have to deal with the mental health professionals and system and all that.

It's frusterating though, makes me want to say screw all this and go live in the forest or something, just not sure I could survive that way...I'd settle for a part time job and a cheap apartment on a semi-quiet street but there's that whole not being able to function in a conventional job setting issue. Jobs laid back enough for me to function in are scarce. But yeah I am finally close to finding out if I will get on SSI or need to appeal a denial and this whole thing is just another excuse to just give up on that again between this and all the stigma and assumptions your just lazy if you apply for it makes it hard not to. Then again apparently I am 'intelligent' and some people have it in their head that somehow makes up for mental health issues hopefully those arent the sort of people who decide on the SSI.

As for the drug thing....well I've done a lot of things phamacutical and not so its not that I am opposed to drugs that would actually help me, its just a matter of anti-depressants and klonopin(that was fun...not) don't seem to be it. Though I am taking trazodone, which she increased the dose of that one I don't mind it does help with sleep and mellows the anxiety some. It apparently can be considered an anti-depressant to but it certainly does not cause that crap the others do so not sure why id need an anti-depressant on top of that anyways. Not to mention I think I have reason to be cautious after what happened with the wellbutrin luckily it didn't make me too terribly anxious it increased it but what was more bothersome was lack of coordination and stiff movements, mouth soreness from grinding my teeth and the fact that nothing would stop moving such as the walls, ground or any surface I looked at. Too long on that and I would have been back in the psych ward for wellbutrin induced psychosis.