Big Mama,

There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that would be good for you to read. You will be saying "that is me" alot. However, I think if your husband read it he might say, "that is me alot" too.

From what you have shared about how your husband grew up, he was a "codependant". He was expected to pick up the pieces and provide because his mother was mentally ill and thus began his "codependant mindset".

Just telling someone to "change their behaviors" isn't enough, they have to understand "why" they behave and feel the way they do. Your husband needs to know why he reacts to you, lashes out at you, so badly. Otherwise all he is going to be doing is "stuffing" and yes, he will stuff for a week and then the next week begin to act poorly again.

Your husband drank and then he just stopped, but he didn't go to AA, he just stopped and stuffed and never got to address his "isms".

It isn't just you that can "isolate" and feel "imprissioned" in this relationship, in my opinion, it is him too. And "neither" of you will be able to have a successful relationship with each other or anyone else until you learn to understand "why" you have some inner chants that keep you imprisoned in the mindsets you are "both" displaying.

This problem "can" lead to a person being misunderstood as a person who might be NPD. The OCD like symptoms that your husband is displaying "may" be part of his own inner circle of confusion, where he is so busy trying to keep his environment "in order" so that it brings him a sense of control because his inner self constantly feels threatened or out of order.

Men can show different charectoristics then women show with "codependancy" problems. Women can find themselves "crying and lonely" alot, whereas men can fill up with anger, more need to control, and have to keep moving and working if they are not "drinking or using a positive outlet where they can let go somehow".

So, I strongly recommend you make it a point to get this book and read it. Before you make any decisions about "getting away or leaving this relationship" you need to be able to see what is broken in you, him, and the relationship itself.

Also, in order to make gains on PTSD, you have to "learn" and add some information into your brain that can help you quiet down the way you have been cycling in confusion. If you only know how to function as a "codependant" then when you experience the symptoms in your brain that result from "PTSD", you will be constantly trying to find a resolve with the same kind of problem solving that never really worked for you before. And this process of slowly healing and learning takes "time" Big Mama.

I have talked to you before about how we can learn how to tie our shoes and we develope the ability to tie our shoes without even thinking about it. There are alot of things we learn in our lives where we can do it and not even think about it as if our brains are on "auto pilot". In fact if you pay attention, you probably can do alot of chores, even feed and water and care for your pony on automatic, yet your mind is not on that, it is pondering and thinking about something else, maybe even PC and therapy and other challenges. Well, this is what our brains can do, function certain ways without our consciously realizing it. So, the same can be true for how we may unknowlingly react to others when we interact with them in relationships.

How I can relate to what you are going through myself, is that because I have been struggling with PTSD, I lost the ability to "dissasociate or ignore" the bad behavior patterns my husband treated me with in the past. Instead because of the way PTSD magnifies all the "intrusive things that were hurting me", I could no longer ignore my husbands bad behavior patterns. In fact, I found myself "reacting to these bad behaviors with alot of anger, my reactions "popped out" before I was consciously aware of the reactions. It often "caught me by surprise" and even left me somewhat confused, even embarassed that I had failed to control the ways I would just "react".

Well, Big Mama, my therapist had to explain to my husband what PTSD meant and how to be careful how he treats me and be more patient and understanding. The problem with that though was that my husband was not aware of "his part" in how I was struggling. He wasn't aware of his "underlying issues" that aggrivated the PTSD and were toxic in our relationship.

I can sooo relate to how you struggle and how an effort is made by your husband that can last for a few days only to pop up and return to once again trigger and upset you.
I have been dealing with that myself and my husband tends to walk in the door with such an angry bad attitude if he has had a bad day, and he can forget how that affects me, affects the way he treats me and that aggrivates the PTSD I am challenged with.

What I "can" say though, is that he "does" work on some of these inner issues in his AA meetings. He does begin to "remember that he needs to stop taking "his" issues out on me". However, I am still working through this PTSD, so there are times where I can feel like a partner in my relationship that can't quite hold up my part. I have had to really learn how to be patient with all of this, so yes, I hear you, it is alot of hard work, and can be very tiring.

I hear you Big Mama, get this book and be very kind and patient with "self".

(((((Very caring hugs)))))