Well, the new T did not read from my papers, rather put them aside and we just talked. Actually, I talked way more than I usually do and pretty much spilled out my whole history, only stopping when asked specific questions. Personality -wise, I greatly appreciated that he addressed me by my first name, old T used to cal me "Ms...." (so clinical, ugh). He was good, not overly buddy, buddy but personable and definitely compassionate to my situation. More importantly, he is very well-trained in eating disorders and asked great questions (that is really the battle I am up against and have been for many years).

On trauma, he asked me if there was any history of it and I fumbled, mumbled and bumbled until I stammered out an unconvincing "no". I never know how to answer than question, I mean, the whole burden of living could be considered one big trauma.....but anyways, I screwed up the answer to that.

Ill be honest, T personality-wise was fine, but I don't know that I can face this disorder. After laying to bear the history of my pathology I felt shameful, so weak, and like such a failure for being the age that I am, struggling with the issues I do.

I was told this will probably kill me if I let it go untreated. I am still shaken from hearing that, angry with myself for letting things get so bad.

I have thoughts of canceling and not going back, I just don't know that I can face my issues head on.