I have been in therapy for some time but we haven´t much talked about this stuff I know I really NEED to talk about but also kind of don´t really want to talk about.

I find myself wanting my T to ask me about it so I don´t have to start talking about it myself, because it is too difficult.

Also, I am scared that when we do start talking about it, I´ll talk about it but somehow it won´t help and I still won´t really BELIEVE that this is me and my life I´m talking about, just making it more easier to talk about it in a detached manner.
It´s like talking about a dream. I´m also scared that my T will react in a way that doesn´t feel right to me but I am to confused myself to tell how it is REALLY like.

I forget about it a lot too but then when it resurfaces, it is like I can see everything so clearly and I can see that if it really was conscious and UNDERSTOOD what happened there, I´d feel a lot more free and whole and at peace with the world and myself. At least I hope so.

I have read a lot about trauma.
And I do feel, as I have read, that just speaking it out loud and in detail, will make me believe it more. And I do know and can feel that THIS is REALLY what I need.
To make it real. to make it FEEL real and a part of me.
I think it will make me feel less crazy and more normal and more like myself.
In my last session we came to the point where I said: i kind of really don´t want to go into that. or look at that.
I started a little and my therapist cut right in and suggested a more positive outcome. LIke, what would I have needed to make it better and make me try to picture that.

She put a more postive and less frightening picture into my mind, next to what actually happened.

Or not. I am confused. Because to me, it happened so differently and so much more horrifieng. And now I am confused. Was it really not so bad as I think it was??
Was it just me that experienced it that way?

Also, I felt like the way my T reacted, she minimized what happened to me.
Like she thought it wasn´t so bad.
This confuses me. Because to me, of course, it was truely terrifying. But I am so uncertain of reality anyway.
So it makes me feel even more CRAZY when someone says it was less horrible or indicates something like that. That it was "normal" or that she had other patients that dealt easily.
I read to this in a book:
"As the therapist listens, she must constantly remind herself to make no assumptions about either the facts or the meaning of ht trauma to the patient. If she fails to ask detailed questions, she risks superimposing her own feelings and her own interpretiation onto the patient´s story. What seems like a minor detail to the therapist may be the most imortant aspect of the story to the patient."

Also, this alternative pictures, confuse me, it confuses my reality of what really happened. And although I really don´t know if I can, without falling apart, just speaking the truth, I feel that this is what I have to do, instead of "changing" the past, which is what we´re doing a little.

It says in the book:

" Janet sometimes attempted in his work with hysterical patients to erase traumatic memories or even to alte their content with aid of hypnsis... It is understandable for both patient and therapist to wish for a magic transformation, a purging of the evil of the trauma.
Psychotherapy, however, does not get rid of the trauma. The goal of recounting the trauma story is integration, not exocism. In the process of reconstruction, the trauma story does undergo a tranformation, but only in the sense of becoming more present and more real. The funndamental premise the psychotherapeutic work is a belief in the restorative power of truth-telling."

I have to say that my therapist is not a trauma specialist but on eating disorders.
But she can use Emdr.
Also, she likes to talk a lot herself too. Maybe 50 percent of the time, she talks, this is her approuch. With this though I think I need to talk a lot without being interrupted.

Is this "technique" with jumping in and asking what would have made it better verified?
Do you know it?
What do you think?