FOREWARNING>>>IT MAY NOT MAKE MUCH SENSE CAUSE IM JUST GOING TO BLAST OFF>>>>

So basically I am having an awful day. I havent felt this depressed and anxious in such a long time and I honestly cant take it anymore. My kids are my one saving grace, because without them I dont think I could go on and live this way, but for them and myself, my self that deserves happiness and contentment, Im fighting on.

So basically heres what my problems are:
1) I am unsure of my marriage, whether we can get past all the hurt and mistrust that has went on, whether I am good enough for him, questioning whether I am pushing him away because of my illness.
2) I miss my family that lives clear across the country and I feel if I was closer to them I wouldnt have half of my problems
3) I am a Psych Nurse that works in a Psychiatric hospital and find it extremely difficult to find help for myself without it affecting my career.
4) I am about 150lbs overweight, all which stems from deep issues from childhood and a ineffective coping skill of shoveling food in my face
5) The depression and anxiety are so bad the only thing i can honestly do is get out of bed to go to work. I have absolutely NO motivation in my life to do anything but sit on my *** and try and zone out to numb myself.

So basically in a nutshell this is whats going on. I can honestly say I hate my life. I hate that I hate my life because I am basically where I wanted to be 5 years ago. I have a great career, a beautiful family, and I feel like such a ungrateful ***** for feeling like those things are not making me happy. I dont know what it is that I want, all I know is I need this pain and anxiety to stop. I literally feel like my blood is boiling and my skin is crawling. The only things that have been making me feel better is honestly drinking alcohol, and this is something that needs to stop! I have a huge family history of alcoholism and I can not add that to my list of issues. I have tried meds, which now looking back did help quite a bit, but I honestly cant afford them or to see a doctor or threapist. Money is a huge stressor to me right now and having depression and anxiety is a costly disease. I just want God, who I love and cherish, to take this pain away, even if for a little while, so I can gain some hope that this isnt what my life will be like forever. I just want to wake up, feel energized and enjoy my life. I dont want this to affect my boys, they deserve to have a mommy who is healthy and stable. It killed me the other day when we were watching a show where a mom makes her boys breakfast every morning before school and my oldest son says "You never do that for us" it was like a knife in the chest cause it was completely true! I cant get my *** out of bed for anything, how worthless i am.

I have vented enough for now......To be continued. T

Also just want to Thank all of you for making me feel like im not alone in this world. Thanks for listening and offering support.