Bug,

Have you had any therapy to deal with this? I'm sorry that it happened to you. The thing that jumps out at me from your story is, "I was a pretty stupid eleven-year-old." So was I, at least that was how I felt when I remembered. That's how old I was too, but at the time I didn't understand what happened. It was the landlord, who lived across the hall from us and was old enough to be my grandfather. In fact, that was how they were introduced to us, "Come meet your new grandparents!" All he did was touch me inappropriately, under a blanket. I didn't understand what he was trying to do. They always invited us over to watch the circus on TV, since we only had a little black and white TV set, and theirs was color. And he always asked me to sit next to him. It was probably only 2 or 3 times. His wife was sitting on the other side of him, and my whole family was in the room, watching the circus on TV. My father was in the Air Force, and we were stationed in Spain, and I chalked it up to cultural difference. And besides, I was so starved for affection and approval that I would take it any way I could get it. Then one day my mother told us that we couldn't go over and watch the circus anymore. The landlady had told her something that she didn't understand due to the language barrier, but she thought it was about her husband, not sure if it was that he was bad, sick, old, or cold. When I remembered what had happened years later, then I understood what she meant.

I repressed that memory, never having told anyone (in fact, I've tried to tell someone as an adult and this is the first time that I have - I just couldn't say it), and remembered it all of a sudden when I was about 25. When I remembered, I was ashamed and disgusted, and thought I was so stupid at 11 years old not to know what that was, and to let him do it. When he asked if I liked it, I said yes. That's what I feel the stupidest about.

But you know what? We were kids, and were victims of somebody else using us inappropriately for their own pleasure. People we trusted to look out for our best interests (more in your case) didn't watch out for our best interests. I think it is the violation of trust that hurts the most. As a child, you don't expect older people to hurt you or to ask you to pretend that you haven't been hurt. It's understandable to be angry with your mother - you had a right to expect her to help you. Many children who were abused feel as much or more anger towards the parent who stood by and didn't protect them as they do towards whoever it was that abused them. From her point of view, two of her children were in danger and she was afraid of what could happen. She probably didn't know what to do.

I'm sorry that you have had to live with this for so long, and I encourage you to get some therapy so that you can process the memory and heal. It still bothers you, and taking care of your mother and your brother being sick probably continue to open that wound for you.

Wishing You Well,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>