i seemed to have hit a low this evening. im just riding out but to help i thought i would post about why im unhappy.

i feel like im a disappointment to others. i feel like im a bad son, a bad friend, a bad everything!

i believe that if i wasnt a bad son, my mum wouldnt have drank herself to into her grave, and my dad wouldnt be a borderline alcoholic now. i just think they drink to escape the reality. i cant be that good a son if they want to escape. it destroys any confidence in someone, having parents who are alcoholics, especially one who knew she would die if she continued, but continued anyway. to put it simply, i think that it is my fault my mum is dead and my dad is an alcoholic.

i feel like im a nobody. nothing special, just someone whos alive to cheer other people up. and thats the only time people talk to me, to tell me how unhappy they are. it might sound strange, but i dont feel that way about PC, i am happy to help others here at PC, but in my everyday life, people dont care about me or notice me unless they want help themselves. i just feel useless, and a poor friend and family member. i feel like no one loves me, and no one likes me, no matter how hard i try. and when i dont try they stay away just as much. i dont have any self-esteem, i think very low of myself and feel like im a good for nothing nobody.

please dont think im attention seeking, i just have to get stuff off my chest. ive been really low all night so i need to get it out in the open.

im in a low at the moment, im sure it will brighten up soon enough, usually does. but tonight i feel down. mainly for the reason i feel like a bad son. i found some empty cans of lager today whilst cleaning that are my dads. he hides the alcohol, and most nights he gets drunk and sits there ignoring me and treating me like an idiot. my mum was similar, she use to just sit there drinking from the moment she got up in the morning and would avoid the fact she had children there who needed her.

i keep thinking "it cant be that the world is bad and i am good, its more like the world is good, and i am the bad one" if you see what i mean...

sorry to be down and moaning, but like i said, i just had to get it off my chest. had to talk to someone.
thanks for listening.

simon