I'm not sure if I am in a low cycle or I've come to process some of my marital pain.

I kept dreaming of disagreements with my husband I told him. He is so far removed from the relationship. Then it dawned on me. I have ran myself ragged. i need a good cry to get it all out. I've been to counselors, on medicine, anything and everything to make myself better for the marriage.. Nothing worked.

Now he tells me coldy, "He has changed"... Thi s is devastating. To give it everything. I do mean everything. i onlyw anted what was right. Meaning. i wanted a husband that went to church, enjoyed having my family church. Spiritually led family. Faith, family first.
I realized today he has fought me tooth and nail the entire time. The entire marriage. He never wanted it to be that way. Even though he said he did. He blames me for why he doesn't respect me. he delfects. He ignores me.
I had a pretty crappy childhood. Physically alcoholic mother, heroin addict father, molestation by my brother..
I needed to do this right. I needed this to work. Now with tears streaming down my face I realize.. It didn't.
Everyone cheers him on. Thinks he is such a great guy. Failing to know what really goes on behind closed doors. I am unloved. I am rejected. I am lied to. I am manipulated. I am utterly utterly alone. With no one to share with or to, the truth.
How did I let this happen. I mention emotional abuse, people ignore me.. How did I do this.. How did. i tried for so long to hide it. To not let anyone see how much pain I was in. How lonely I really am. How desperate I am to be heard,acknowledged. Spiritually I feel stifled.. Lost.. Unsure. Hurting. Dark, deep, agonizing hurting.