Thanks for all the words of advice. I don't really think there's anyone I can talk to about any of this because I know if I tell my fiancee how I feel he'll either get worried or be disappointed in me. My mom would just yell and tell me I'm being stupid. As of right now, today, I really don't know how I feel. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. A lot of things have made me feel like hurting myself again. I have been doing it since I was 12 and I am 19 now. I quit for like a year when I was in high school because the school had me under suicide watch because when I was changing into my marching band uniform a girl saw my arms and told the director who in turn told the counsellor. Then I started again for a reason I don't even remember right now but I quit again after I started dating the guy I am with now. I did it a few times again after my dad died this past september. Me and my dad were never really close, but I was the only one there for him from when my mom left when I was 12 until I moved out because of the woman he was dating and her family. They were very stressful people so I moved an hour away, and 4 months later he died. I have been blaming myself ever since because I feel like if I would have been there to take care of him and make sure he did what the doctors said, he would still be around. idk it probably all seems stupid, but thats how I feel... As of this exact moment right now though I kind of have very mixed emotions.