Not really looking for any advice, just wanted to vent a little. This isn't something that comes up in light conversation, or that I have ever talked about in the last ten years. I just started thinking about it recently.
When I was 18 I was struggling with a bad stretch of depression that was getting progressively worse over the course of 4 years. I had lost my father a few months prior and was also trying to deal with a suicide attempt a year prior that no one found out about. I took a bunch of medicine but, I just got sick. Not sure why they didn't take me to the hospital, I just remember throwing up for like a week. Maybe my family thought it was the flu. I'm not even sure how I would have told them. I just remember waking up and feeling really bad. I dunno, maybe I thought it would still work.
Anyway, I started into therapy to try and deal with things. I was self-harming at this point, and trying to find better ways to cope. I was really depressed and trying to sort things out but I was still overwhelmed with trying to deal with it all. I told my therapist about buying a punch of sleeping pills. I didn't have any plans, maybe having them made me feel better, like there was an escape. I don't really remember my failed logic at the time. We talked about it and I requested to be hospitalized. I was really depressed and not thinking very clearly. In hindsight I think what I really wanted was more support and to feel safe. How do you tell someone you feel so bad you are willing to end your life, especially a family member?
The psych hospital was different than I expected. I thought it was going to be like an intensive therapy, but it wasn't really that. It was like a jail in a way. Everything was very structured. There was a routine, and there wasn't really therapy. The only thing I did was group therapy, and I didn't find that particularly helpful. Surprisingly telling a group of strangers your 2 min life story and that your feel depressed doesn't do a whole lot for correcting the problem. I don't remember getting any helpful advice, just a bunch of nods.
I did notice a few things about other people. There was a lady their that was there for alcoholism. I saw some similarities in her from myself. I saw someone in a lot of pain that didn't know how to handle any of it. There was another lady who was there for depression. She was sexually abused as a child by her father. At the time I couldn't process how devastating that would be psychologically. He robbed her of the person she would have been and left her to deal with these tragedies even 25 years after it happened. I never understood how someone could be so cruel to another person, especial their child.
They made you share a room with another person. The guy I shared a room with looked like a respectable well adjusted guy. I don't know what happened in his life, but I remember the whole week I was there he would cry himself to sleep. I would ask what's wrongs and he would reply I'm fine. It scared me that I could end up like that one day. So miserable and unable to resolve inner conflicts. One of the nurses made a rather harsh comment the day I was leaving. The roommate was sitting on the bed looking out the window. The nurse told me that I would end up just like him one day. I never knew what she really meant by that, I just remember being hurt by the comment. I've been so depressed I've cried myself to sleep before, but I never let anyone see me hurting. Maybe it was being raised in a house full of guys, or being in a family that doesn't have coping skills. I always felt like I should look strong and keep everything together.
There was a few things that I liked about the hospital. I liked the safety. It's hard sometimes to be depressed and fight against yourself. I think the clinical term is suicidal idealization, but I think of it way too much. Even when things aren't unbearable I get urges. It really bothers me. I tell myself it is a way for my brain to deal with things, to find relief from the emptiness, loneliness, sadness despair, and self hatred. I wish I had a way to deal with these feelings. I control my actions, and I hope that is the first step to getting better. To realize what is positive for oneself and to acknowledge what are the feelings that are not healthy for me. Hopefully with therapy I can learn to live a happier life.