Reading your post is a trip. I swear I could be reading a mind probe print out. I understand (I'm pretty sure) what you mean on every point.

I've always feared a death in the family, because I'm also sort of calloused emotionally. I hate to think what people might think if it seems that I'm not moved by tragedy. I don't know if this is just a result of an abnormal life, or if there is also something wrong with me in this aspect. I havn't spent much time thinking about it... but I'm going to. Initially, without thinking much, I tell myself that it is wrong. In the past I have felt as though I'm dead inside. Unable to feel anything but depression, anxiety, and fear. It's a slow and grueling process. I would give anything to cry. I havn't since... I can't remember when exactly. I do remember that I was extreemly angry... thats the only reason I cried. But... for all I know I might cry for days on end if I were confronted by a death of someone I TRULEY care for, such as my parents or sisters.

I also know how you feel about people. Its very hard to explain it to someone who has never experienced it. (and I don't believe you are an a-hole by the way) It's a strange feeling... it's almost as if you are physcially repelled by the presence of others. You just don't want to talk or interact with them in any way. That's the thing that really needs questioning. Why is it and is the reason an okay thing. My difficulty with interacting with people has pretty much been snuffed out. I havn't really thought much about how I made the change. But basically I just started looking at everyone else more closely. Looking at the things that make them interesting, looking for things that others might have in common with me, forgiving cruel/ignorant people for the way they treat me. Its getting to the point now where I'm excited by the idea of meeting people. My fear and misconceptions are fading away.

Family? Pretty much a 0 connection here as well. I'm much different than my relatives, we don't really have any common link besides blood. My family has always been very volitale, we don't mix well. There was a fight everytime the family got together and started drinking back in the day. We pretty much keep our distance these days. And it's fine.

I'm nobody to judge anyone else. If this is just who you are then I'm happy for you. I just don't like to see people suffering... especially when it's from something that can be over come.