I am very sorry for the severe pain and loneliness that you're experiencing.

I can't think of any words of wisdom to help you through this difficulty at this time. I just wanted you to know that you aren't completely alone in this world. Others do care about you, and feel sad that you are suffering so much!

Have you tried to get your hub to agree to marital counseling? Either with a T, or with a pastor/priest at your church... It's certainly worth a shot, particularly if you find yourself in moods that bounce up and down. You may be misinterpreting your hub's moods or words for disinterest, when he actually does care but just does't know what to say to reassure you. Just a thought that popped into my head. Please do give it a try! Getting you both in to see the same T could be especially helpful in working through the notions that haunt you.

Gentle hugs sent your way...