Hello.

I just really needed to vent and talk about some things.

So basically, like I talked about in my last post, I want to be sad/depressed when I'm not, because it's the only thing that makes me feel safe, because I'm used to it. Well, I've been feeling that, but I've also been feeling, that my "problems" aren't as bad as some people's are. So, therefore I don't matter, and I'm a fake.

Those thoughts really make me feel bad about myself. They make me [I]want[I] to have worse problems. Which is kind of odd I know. But I can't help but feel like that.

Another thing that has been happening, is that I feel completely unreal, like I'm watching my life as a movie, and I'm not actually in it. I did some research, and I'm pretty sure that it's Derealization disorder. Has anyone else experienced that?

I looked up symptoms of Derealization disorder and I can relate to almost all of them, it said that some of the causes are: Depression and Anxiety, both which I have. It also said, that it can be caused by PTSD or Repeated Trauma, which makes me wonder if I have some PTSD/Trauma that is buried deep inside me.

Anyway, sorry for the vent. I just had to let some things out.