I had a rough day today. I had an encounter that left me feeling really depressed. To start out with my main problems are abandonment issues, codependency, loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends but my coworker J is someone who I'm really attached to and really rely on for communication.

Wednesday night I went out with some people that I know and I really wanted to tell J about how it went. With this group of people that I went out with I'm always afraid that I'm not very popular or very well liked, so I was happy that I got invited out with them. I always feel like my other friend M (who has a very big personality but who can also be kind of an abrasive person) is more popular than me, so it was a nice feeling to realize that they respect me enough to invite me on this outing with them, and also that I shouldn't be jealous of M's big personality because his abrasiveness turns people off.

So I got to work Thursday morning excited to tell J about my night but he was really tired and kind of blew me off when I tried to talk to him. He's someone who I really rely on and I trust that he takes interest in my life. I guess you can also call it expectations. So situations like this devastate me. I immediately got really depressed and started acting despondent around him. He's nice so he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I felt ignored. He said he was sorry if I felt ignored and that I shouldn't take it personally. That was the end of that conversation but I still felt bad so I brought it up again a little bit later. I told him that it feels like I have no one in my life who cares about what I'm doing. I told him I thought he cared about what I have to say. He said he does care, and also said that no one has someone there for them all the time, that's just life. He also said he's sick of hearing me talk about that friend M and how I feel jealous of him...but that's the main focus of my life right now - social relations. I was happy about my revelation about M and I wanted J to be happy for me and when he wasn't it really upset me.

This incident has just really made me depressed. Now I'm thinking about everything else in my life, how I don't have anyone really present in my life... I don't even have anyone I can go to to talk about my bad day....